Can I Take Your Spiritual/Emotional Temperature Please?

When you were in distress and went to a social worker, therapist, chaplain, your favorite clergy person, or friend and they said, “I hope I have helped you,” could you ever have uttered in the thumbs-down case, “Um not really”?  Unlike a nurse seeing vital signs returning to normal, chaplains and all the rest cannot be sure if the “spiritual/emotional” vital signs have improved by virtue of what we said  and how and when we said it, or through what we chose not to say at all. And was our visit too long, or not long enough? So in our frustration we are tempted to ask for an evaluation. We’d like feedback please. And maybe a pat on the back.

Think of it this way. If you were the client and someone asks if they have helped you, that expresses uncertainty on their part, as well as a desire to shut down the conversation. It is like saying, “I sure hope I helped, but if I haven’t, I am not sure how else I can go about healing you, and so I hope you don’t ask for more help.” A similar problem arises if the health professional or friend says, too early in the conversation, so-and-so might be of further help to you; here’s their number.” Both of these reactions are a way of saying, “I cannot listen to you as long as you would like, possibly because your topic makes me too anxious, or I feel too inadequate or incompetent to handle it.”

Okay. So we try our mighty best to repress such anxious noises. But this still leaves us with the puzzle of how well we did. (I’d like an “A” like anyone else.) When I am really lucky, the client will actually say how much better they feel, or look more relaxed, or ask me how soon I can visit again, or ask me to stay longer. In rare cases, they write me a letter of thanks afterward—super rare in hospice. And when I make mistakes, some clients quite readily make it clear that they want the visit to end, or would be more comfortable with someone else. Some have even become angry. I think to some extent or in some cases we will never really know if our visit benefited the client and will have to trust that if we intently and calmly listened, that alone did some good in the overwhelming majority of cases, because no matter what, everyone wants to feel cared about.

Full disclosure: While I was in the deepest throes of my own grief process, I had to go through several people before I could find those who would hear my story. The ones who did not make the cut said the things I noted above (They got a “C”) or made worse remarks than those (They got a “D” on a generous day). Maybe  being a chaplain myself intimidated some folks. I remember being nervous early in my career when I found out a client was a nun, pondering what I had to offer. Wasn’t I bringing ice cubes to the Arctic? In another case the client was a retired hospice nurse. Once again, the answer is simply to listen with full attention.This is what we all yearn for, no matter what our credentials are or those of the client. Just as the top three considerations for real estate are “location, location, location,” the top three for people in spiritual and emotional distress are, for the one asked to help: be quiet and “listen, listen, listen.”

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2 thoughts on “Can I Take Your Spiritual/Emotional Temperature Please?

  1. Marc Wong says:

    You make some very good observations. Whether someone feels “heard” is very subjective. And things can get very difficult if the other person has been bitter their entire life, or if their family starts to abandon them.
    On the other hand, it’s amazing when we get to hear people speak with more candor, insight, and dignity. I have definitely been uplifted and inspired by people who shared that with me.

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  2. It’s nice to hear from Mr. Listener Himself! (Dear other readers:Marc has a website all about listening called 8steplisten and is on Twitter) You make an excellent point about when someone feels heard, but minimally, the speaker should afterwards feel that he or she could get their story out and given a reasonable time to do so. Beyond that minimum, I think a person tends to feel heard when the listener does not dispense advice or shy away from feelings they themselves may be uncomfortable with. But as you say, when you have the courage to listen, the rewards are great.

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