The way some people pooh-pooh euphemisms you would think they were a miniature form of fake news. When I was a chaplain intern I was admonished, “Don’t say ‘pass away’ or ‘ she is in a better place.’ Tell it like it is and say the person died or is dying.” I do get the point about being honest and direct about a painful and scary subject, and that such directness is a corrective to all the death avoidance in our culture. Euphemisms can even do great harm by breeding misunderstanding. I have cautioned families with small children that if they say “Grandpa went to sleep” the kids might be afraid to go asleep and suffer the same fate, or they might keep hoping Gramps will wake up. Clear language also may help the mourners grasp more quickly that their loved one is going or gone and that it is time to go forward on their grief journey.
But sometimes euphemisms may be exactly what the chaplain ordered. The problem with directness is that it can be, well, too direct. Is it always necessary to drop the unvarnished truth on someone all at one go? Maybe truth in small doses is more manageable. Sugar-coating has its place if the alternative is not to take the dose at all. After all, what family member can take in all at once that death is imminent? So many times I talk with family on the phone when their loved one is on hospice who ask me if the patient talked with me during my visit. This is after I see the patient just prior to the phone call and observe that he is completely unresponsive and glassy-eyed, which means, to coin a new euphemism, he is about to become a part of world history. Rather than necessarily say, “I’m so sorry to say this, but it seems that your husband is about to die and probably has only a day or two left,” I might say, “I think he is not speaking now because he is turning inward and preparing for the end.” That is pretty clear without mercilessly rubbing in the details. And even with that, the family might go on to chatter about the patient feeling better tomorrow.
Sometimes I use euphemism as an entrée into general discussions on death. After all, the title of my book, which is about true stories my hospice patients told me, is a euphemism! (The title is Encountering The Edge.) And if you are a health professional reading this blog post, you may well know that humorous euphemisms are a part of self-care. So very many times I have joked with my own husband, a baseball lover that so-and-so is “in the bottom of the ninth.”
Next time you see that someone is in Act Three, Scene Three, consider euphemism as one tool among many for helping others as well as yourself find a byway when the main road is impassable into that most formidable of subjects, death and dying.